I miss the juggling

 

When I was pregnant with my first child, I never thought I would give up my job.  Not only did I love it, but I worked with great people and had great perks.  I wanted to do my best to make it all work.  My company moved to New Jersey while I was pregnant and I thought, okay, I’d just deal with the commute from Westchester to New Jersey, no problem.

My maternity leave came and went.  Ten weeks seemed like such a short time. Around week seven, I started to look for a babysitter.  Time ran away from me.  My first day back was at a sales conference in Jersey City.  I remember not being able to fit into a lot of my work clothes and going into a room full of 200-300 colleagues.  I felt like I just gotten off the delivery table.  After two days of the sales conference and waking up at 5am to get there in time both days for a 9am start, I went to my new office.

It was the first time I had ever had my own office.  With my name on the door.  Bookshelves, filing cabinets and a door to close while I worked.  I was so proud and excited.  Everyone at work was glad to have me back.  The problem was that I wasn’t glad to be back and I couldn’t understand why.

On the 3rd day, as luck would not have it, the tri-state black-out hit NY.  I was riding home on a bus through Lincoln Tunnel when the lights went out.  We all thought it was a terrorist attack as it was slightly reminiscent of 9/11.  We made it out of the tunnel and everyone jumped off the bus, amidst thousands of other New Yorkers all heading home in a scared stupor.  When we got to Grand Central, we found we could not get in and all the trains were not running indefinitely.  I was twenty-odd miles from home and there was no transport in sight.  I had my breast pump with me and was determined to stay near the station to get home to our three month-old.  My hubby was downtown at someone’s apartment and he suggested I come down so I could have a place to sleep.  But I refused to believe that I would be stuck in the city over-night.

I walked over to the Grand Hyatt Hotel next door to the station and asked a policeman if there was a place I could pump.  I had to be direct, they were turning the public away from the hotel and there was no where to to.  They kindly let me in as a result, and I spent the next twelve hours sitting in the lobby of the hotel until the trains started.  Thankfully, I had money on me to buy a sandwich and I remember crying softly as I waited to go home.  I jumped on the first train out the next day to Stamford and called some friends who live there to take me home.

Sitting on the deck the next day, I told my husband it wouldn’t work.  The commute alone would kill me.  It was taking 1-1/2 hours a day there and back, sometimes longer.  At first, management allowed me to work from home part of the week, but I knew it would be temporary.  And it was.  When my manager told me I could no longer do that a few months later, my heart was broken and I decided to leave.

Many mistakes were made at the time: 1) I hired the wrong babysitter.  2) I should have stopped breastfeeding.  I was pumping at work; leaking during meetings. 3) I quit too soon.  I was determined to make it all work, but it was hard.

I did quit too soon.  From the minute I started staying home full-time, I knew there would be a problem down the road. My company kept me on part-time in the beginning to complete projects and train my replacement.  It made the transition easier, but when that stopped, I was just home…all the time.

When that ended, I got pregnant with my second child.  Time went quickly.  After he was born, being home got harder.  I had a nineteen month-old and a new-born.  Sometimes they were crying at the same time.  It was all just baby, baby, baby.  When he was nearly one, we went to England on holiday and stayed in this big chalet where our friends, as well as new people, would go in and out.  I met all these amazing women with part-time jobs who had an amazing sense of balance and contentment.  I wanted that.

So, I came home and contacted only one person from my old company who had told me she knew someone at a company if I should ever decide to re-enter the work-force.  It had only been about a year.  My skills were still intact.

The new job would be in Long Island City.  First the job was offered was full-time.  I somehow negotiated it as part-time, three days a week including one day at home.  I had hit the jackpot.  It lasted 2-1/2 years.  I was let go in a round of lay-offs.

However, I wasn’t unemployed very long.  I was offered another part-time job in the same company which I took for three months.  That job led to another consulting gig where I worked completely from home with a monthly trip to Chicago.  I loved getting away one night a month.  I left good notes for the babysitter and got to go the Windy City for meetings.  I had a blackberry.  It was too good to be true.

When that ended, I quickly went to another job which lasted a while, too.  The jobs came so easily.

And the beauty of all was that I had BALANCE.   I had good babysitters.  I had a few days at home with the kids, a few days away without the kids.  I had mental stimulation.  I had independence.  I had money of my own.  My own checking account again.  I could nip out night into the city to see shows.  Meet friends for dinner.  I was so much happier.  I had rediscovered that lost part of me.

And I was good at what I was doing.  I was good at my job.  I was better at home.  I defined the word MULTI-TASKING.  I’d come home from work and whip together a gourmet meal for dinner.  I’d work all night after the kids went to bed.  I’d go to the gym on my days at home.  We went on amazing vacations.  I was an expert at juggling taking care of two tots.

I was also able to help my son with special needs.  I focused on his needs.  Got him services.  He has benefited from my attention, I have no doubt.

However, last summer the party ended.  I worked my contacts, had a few interviews that went nowhere and tried to network as much as I could.  I have found few open doors.  People have stopped hiring.  They are laying off people.  My industry is experiencing a down-turn.

So, I am re-inventing myself.  I am volunteering…a lot .  I am taking grad school classes.  I do yoga and spin.  I am blogging. I want to go to Blog Her.  I’m honing my travel-writing skills.  I may take French.  I read a lot. I need to re-start my consultancy and widen its scope.   I’d like to find a partner.  We still travel. I see a lot of theater and meet friends for “breaks”.  But I certainly don’t have as much extra money to be as fancy- free.   I require a lot of stimulation.

Oh, and the kid
s.  I have no help.  I do everything.  I have no back-up, it’s just me. I’m always cleaning.  Driving the kids to school, play dates, classes, making lunch.  I don’t want to call myself a SAHM.  I am not ready for that.  Besides, my status could change any minute.  I do still juggle.  It’s just a different kind of juggling.  The kids keep my busy, that is for sure.  Sometimes I wish that was enough for me.

Do I miss working?  Yes.  Do I miss the juggling?  Yes.  Do I want to find something I’m more passionate about doing?  I think so. Sometimes I am ready to jump back on the full-time wagon and abandon any thoughts of doing something else.  But the job search is so depressing that I back off.

Juggling…that’s just the answer to it all for me.