I’ve been reading a lot about moms judging other moms lately. Well, I certainly have a lot to say about that, although I must admit that I’m kind of past the point of caring what other moms think about me and how I live my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that we all have different ways of raising our kids and how we conduct our daily lives. Whether we work or stay home, it’s our own personal decisions and as women, we should stop sitting around judging each other. Some women are not meant to be stay-at-home moms – I being one of them. Some moms love it. To each her own. While I’ve struggled with my own decisions, I’ve also learned to mind my own business and not to pass judgement on any moms.
But what is bothering me lately is the fact that other moms have the audacity to judge my children, and it’s certainly more painful than personally being judged my other moms. They, of course, have perfect children. Children who never have bad days. Children who never get tired, or hungry, or out of sorts. Children who behave perfectly at all times of day. Children who never talk back to adults.
I don’t tend to talk about this often, but I have a special needs child. Special needs in the sense that we don’t have a diagnosis but there is clear Sensory Processing Disorder. The problem with SPD is that everything you know about your child is vague and there is no easy answer. What you do know is that there are good days and bad days. Often things change from minute to minute and behavior can be sporadic. Sometimes he doesn’t even want to play with other children. He acknowledges when he needs a rest, which is unusual, but he likes his rest days. So, I don’t plan many play dates, as a result.
But his quirks make him interesting. He’s unique. He’s a bit of a non-conformist. He doesn’t think the way other kids think, he wants to do what he wants to do quite often and sometimes he may come across as difficult. So, of course, it has happened a few times where he may have just been having a bad day, maybe he hadn’t eaten enough that day or maybe something very small annoyed him and it caused somewhat disruptive behavior – at another mom’s house.
But as moms, don’t we know that all kids have bad days? You should never ban a child from your house because of one bad experience, or pass judgement on that child for not acting the way you expected at that particular moment. And did you ever stop to think that maybe it was your negative energy that caused him to react badly?
I know I’m being sensitive, but it’s very stressful when the friends are no longer there or available to play because of a mom’s hard feelings. Party invitations stop coming (not sure if I’m complaining about, though) and providing social interaction gets harder.
Granted, there are moms who do give him another chance. At a good friend’s home last month, he became obsessed with his friend’s Pokeman cards and demanded that the child trade for the ones he wanted. The mom was taken back as they had never traded, and both she and my son were visibly upset when I arrived to collect him. But we talked about it on the phone and they have played again. She just wanted to understand the rules of card-trading and I did need to talk to him about obeying moms at other people’s houses. He does get fixated on what he wants, but it’s hard to make others understand that.
The reason I am bringing this up today is because there is one mom in particular who has asked her sitter to stop having play dates with my son. The sitter is clearly confused about it, as I am, as her son and mine were very good friends once upon a time. Apparently, she asked my sitter about him yesterday and when my sitter suggested they set something up, she gave her a look of negativity. When she told me, my heart broke. We are friends and we’ve been meaning to go out drinking.
Here’s what I suggest when a child acts badly in your care. Rather than not invite them again, I would do the following:
1. Talk to the child’s mom. Let them know what happened. Give her a chance to respond before you judge her or her child.
2. Give the kids another chance. Surely, it can be chalked to a bad day. If it happens again, take a break
3. But don’t let the break be extended or permanent. Kids change.
My son is amazing and I only want him around people who feel the same way. So, to the mom who thinks he’s not, please don’t ask me out for drinks again.
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