Comments on: The Unintentional Opt Out

By: elissapr

elissapr — Fri, 16 Aug 2013 01:28:46 +0000

Danny,
I’m sorry for your loss. But, your judgement of this blog is misplaced. Holly makes it clear it is important for her to contribute both emotionally and financially in a relationship right up front; the relationship with her family and with her career. Perhaps you skipped that part – or disregarded it. Further, I can’t see anywhere in the piece where she infers she is ‘getting her jollies.’

“Judge a person by their own deeds and words;the opinions of others can be false”…..Talmud

By: Des

Des — Wed, 14 Aug 2013 19:07:51 +0000

Seriously? I take offense to the Danny comment above…it is so amusing to me that when men have jobs that require travel, women–working full time or not–have to find a way to juggle it all, typically without missing a beat. Few people step up to comment that the woman is a martyr, as Danny implies that the man must be, just for picking up the extra duties while the husband/wife is away. Well, the same rules should apply. The writer is not off ‘getting her jollies’…she’s building a better life for herself and her family. The writer comments repeatedly about talking with her husband about the ongoing situation. The point of her piece is that if you step away from your career for the sake of family, expect that it will be difficult to break back into that profession. Each individual has to weigh the pro’s and con’s and make the right choice for them personally. No need to attack…instead, how about a little support for someone just trying to do their best for all involved?

By: Crystal

Crystal — Wed, 14 Aug 2013 18:52:04 +0000

Danny, I am sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing my husband and hard it must be. But I should remind you, that you have not walked in the shoes of a stay at home mother’s shoes either. You have no idea the pressures we feel to stay, to give all of ourselves every single day in service of our children and our husbands, and at the same time long to have something outside of the home. Not just to contribute financially, but to be good at something, to have adult interaction not centered around our children’s milestones. She is talking about her feelings, not her husbands, because its not about him. Its about the conflict of motherhood and letting it consume your every breathing moment. That’s just not enough for some of us. I stay home now because I married the Air Force, we live I Germany, and his 13 hour rotating shifts would make our children sacrifice too much for me to work. But I dream of the day when I can “opt back in” and I realize my job options will be limited due to my limited experience in the past 5 years. She isn’t showing a lack of support for her husband and family, she is being real and honest with other mothers that are faced with the same choices. Its her story, she’s not telling anyone who to live their life. She is just sharing her story. Be NICE Danny!!

By: Renee

Renee — Wed, 14 Aug 2013 18:14:08 +0000

I read this article with much of the same sentiments. For me, it was an unintentional “opt-out” that I took after working for many years, the major breadwinner of our family and having three kids. I knew that this would be the last opportunity I had to stay home with my youngest child and I took it. I had no intentions of it being so long, and I knew it was not the best fit for me either.

I loved working and having a career, a bank account of my own and making my own way in the world. So I too started a blog (where I say “I” all the time!) and also where I travel for my new version of “work”- which includes paid for junkets and compensation for a variety of projects.

I read your comments “off gallivanting round the country” as well as “go on “jollies” to get away as much as possible, not supporting your family” as naive attacks on the author- making assumptions that she is not supporting her family or contributing to the household. You mention partnerships and understanding. Partnerships are about sharing responsibilities. That means both parents get a turn. What about when her husband goes on business trips? She is there to take care of the kids. Not to mention all the other times she is there for her family. And she does support them and contribute- financially and emotionally. Does this mean she should never have business trips of her own or time off? Shouldn’t the balance be equal with both parents taking care of the kids and the household when the other needs? In your words, no. It should solely be on her.

I am sorry for your own loss, but you really should not make assumptions about someone else’s life. Who takes care of your kids while you are off riding your bike?

By: BethB.

BethB. — Wed, 14 Aug 2013 17:47:08 +0000

Thank you for sharing what is a real struggle for many mothers.

By: Doctor G

Doctor G — Wed, 14 Aug 2013 02:38:53 +0000

I think you’re attacking the author here, and unfairly.

I am so sorry for your struggles. Single parenting is a challenge unlike any other, and being widowed is a true tragedy.

The author here brings to light a very real concern for many mothers, and she handles it appropriately. Attacking her premise would have been reasonable (though I personally agree with it), but attacking her parenting, her marriage and her commitment to her family is beyond the pale.

By: The Culture Mom

The Culture Mom — Tue, 13 Aug 2013 16:47:58 +0000

Thanks for your comment. I remember meeting you a few years ago at my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and perhaps at my father-in-law’s shiva. I am so sorry for your loss.

I started this blog because as important as motherhood is to me, I wanted to keep in touch with everything in life I love the most and I love inspiring other parents to do the same. As a parent, you can get caught up in the everyday hustle and bustle and forget about yourself. I never “escape” – rather I include my family in everything that I do. On the rare occasion, I do travel for work or a conference, and I make sure that everything is under control in my absence and that my husband’s work load is not interrupted. He’s very supportive of my career and I of his.

I didn’t mention my husband much in the post because he is private, and this is really not a blog that was created to reveal all the tid bits about our personal lives. But he knows that my family is my priority, just as yours is to you.

La shana tovah.

By: Danny Franks

Danny Franks — Tue, 13 Aug 2013 09:57:35 +0000

I’ve read your blog with interest.
I’m a single dad who had to balance bringing up two boys after my wife died, with a full time job and a life.
I too am involved with synagogue, charity and school. I also spend time cycling (to keep fit) and spending as much time with my kids as possible.
You mention “I” a lot in your blog. (and yes I do know its your blog) but does your husband not have a say? How does he cope when your off gallivanting round the country? I’m sure that if he’s a stay at home dad that it won’t be too much of a problem. But if he’s in full time work how does he balance his life when you’re not there?
Having a family is about partnership and understanding. Understanding your other half and your kids and giving them as much support as you can. It looks by what you say in this blog that you go on “jollies” to get away as much as possible, not supporting your family.
Escaping to do the things you do, you should call your blog “culture single mom …. kids looked after by their dad”

By: CultureMom

CultureMom — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 13:19:58 +0000

Great point, Christine, although I did meet with some very groovy men about this position, too. They were indeed involved.

By: CultureMom

CultureMom — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 13:18:49 +0000

Thanks for stopping by and commenting with a very accurate statement. Perhaps the article was meant to send women into a hole and stay there.